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Another Day, Another Therapist, Another Diagnosis
While I really like the the therapist I have been seeing through my company’s Employee Assistance Program, our time s coming to an end, and she sadly doesn’t accept my insurance, so the search begins...
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Widespread Panic
Yesterday I had the worst panic attack I have ever had. I was at work and the first call I took was a complaint from a woman who was not receiving all of the channels she should have. She was rude and...
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The “D” Word
I had my final session with session with the therapist from my company’s Employee Assistance Program. We reviewed my progress and the tools we have created to help me get through everyday life. I told...
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HRT – 18 Months Later
I began Hormone Replacement Therapy 18 months ago this week. Every day I look in the mirror hoping to see changes, hoping to see the feminine reflection that I have pictured in my mind since I was a...
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Widespread Panic – The Aftermath
I should have known there would be consequences. Saturday (six days ago) I had a severe panic attack at work and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. The ER doctor recommended taking two days...
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After The Hurricane
We often describe times of emotional turmoil as storms. If we embrace this analogy, the last 18 months of my life have been a Category 5 Hurricane. The damage is widespread and catastrophic. The air is...
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All Hell Breaks Loose -***TRIGGER WARNING***
The voices have turned. They are getting nastier and harder to ignore. It’s only a matter of time before I am in the hospital or jail. New ones broke through the muck this morning, telling me to slit...
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A Gift With Strings Attached
I have been pretty sick for the last five days, so I haven’t had to to check in here and talk about the wonderful thing that happened to me last week. I was in therapy a few weeks ago and I had told my...
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Unmedicated
I have run out of Seroquel and cannot afford to get my prescription refilled for another five days. I haven’t taken any for four days. I’m so sick, the withdrawal is nearly as bad as withdrawing from...
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My Job Has Broken Me
I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. I work in a call center for a cable company. This is by far the most stressful job I have ever had. The customers are rude, the service sucks, and the management is...
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Adrift at Sea
I feel lost. Today marks two weeks since I went out on disability. The stress and anxiety of the job finally caught up to me, and I couldn’t even think of going into that building without getting...
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The Waiting Is The Hardest Part
My depression and anxiety have gotten to the point where I am unable to work. Tomorrow marks three weeks since I last worked, and today I received my paycheck for the last couple of days that I did...
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Waiting and Worrying
I haven’t worked in over a month now. Because I haven’t worked I have had no income. I’m told I have been approved for disability, yet I have not seen a payment. They now tell me that I will get it...
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A Bittersweet Dream
I have been rocked by a dream I had last night, and I can’t stop thinking about it. To give some context here is the basic backstory: I used to be married to a woman who had two children from a...
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Pickles and Cheez-Its
Thanksgiving. A day for family. A day for food and conversation. A day for giving thanks. How did I spend my day? Alone. Eating alone. Eating nothing but dill pickles and Cheez-It crackers. Alone....
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Denied
The Social Security Administration denied my disability claim. I don’t believe it. In the denial letter it states: We have determined that your condition is not severe enough to keep you from working…...
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18-24 Months
I met with a lawyer today to discuss appealing the denial of disability benefits. The lawyer told me that I will have a hearing in 18-24 months. Another year and a half to two years of limbo. Fuck.
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The Waiting Is The Hardest Part
My depression and anxiety have gotten to the point where I am unable to work. Tomorrow marks three weeks since I last worked, and today I received my paycheck for the last couple of days that I did...
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Terminated
As I may have shared in the past my mental health has left me unable to work and I have been out on temporary disability since early September 2015. Yesterday I received an “Extremely Urgent” letter...
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Hunger
I’m hungry, and I have food stamps, but I can’t think of a single thing that I want to eat badly enough that I am willing to get dressed and get on a bus for. Depression sucks.
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